I’ve been exploring the dynamics of victim and perpetrator over the years-  themes that feel especially charged in our world right now. These patterns are not just out there in society; they also live in our families, our histories, and even in our bodies.

I recently joined an online workshop on this topic. In the past, I’ve looked at these roles through the drama triangle—victim, perpetrator, and saviour and also victim, victimiser and controller. This workshop, however, drew on Bert Hellinger’s Family Constellations work, where the facilitator (Barry Krost) shared both Hellingers insights and his own. It reminded me how entangled we can become in these dynamics, and how different things look when we can hold them with more objectivity.

In small groups, we each stepped into and represented the energies of these roles. Experiencing them directly - rather than analysing or judging them - was eye-opening. Here’s a glimpse of what surfaced for me when I stepped into these roles (NB. each person had a different experience of the roles):

• Perpetrator – a surge of rage, wanting everyone to go away, yet also a hidden longing for help. My head felt tight, and I couldn’t meet anyone’s eyes.
• Victim – an anxious, withdrawn state, caught in self-soothing and unable to look at others.
• Descendants – a surprising self-obsession, focused on my own image, even wanting to take selfies, aware of others but unwilling to truly see them.
• Consequences – a restless busyness, overwhelmed by endless tasks, looking everywhere but at others, my anxiety mounting with every new demand.
• What is needed for solution – here, the words presence without judgement arose. From this space, I could see everyone clearly and with ease.

It was fascinating, affirming, and a little unsettling—because what played out in our small group mirrors what we see in the world today, only magnified. These sessions weren’t about fixing or resolving anything; they were about feeling and witnessing the dynamics. Sometimes, insight itself is the healing: what was once hidden comes into the light.

We moved onto a deeper session with one selected person in the group so we got to observe the dynamics in a specific persons system. I was asked to represent a family member of theirs. We learn so much when we represent. Suspending our judgements and thoughts on the matter and only reporting feelings and sensations. I am grateful for this experience. The little I am allowed to share from this is the complexities involved. We can be entangled with someone else who is entangled with someone else and ...well you get the picture. 

I left with a reminder: thank goodness there are pathways to resolution in these dynamics. But they require careful holding—because, as we also see globally, the field is supercharged, and without skilled facilitation things can quickly become chaotic.

So I sit with what has arisen, letting it work through my system. And I wonder--
👉 Where do you notice yourself stepping into victim, perpetrator, descendant, or consequence?
👉 What might shift if you brought presence without judgement to that place?

Quotes & Teachings (Constellations perspective)
Bert Hellinger (founder of Constellations):

• “When great guilt is not acknowledged, it does not disappear. It passes to the descendants, who atone without knowing why.”
• “Victim and perpetrator are deeply bound together. Only when both are acknowledged, without judgment, can the descendants be released.”
• “A murderer and his victim are connected forever. When we take one side against the other, we deepen the split. When both are seen, the descendants find peace.”
• “In schizophrenia, a person often represents two excluded people at once. They carry both the victim and the perpetrator, torn between incompatible loyalties. Their soul is divided because the family’s history is divided.”

Hunter Beaumont (Hellinger collaborator):

• “Unresolved trauma in one generation often appears as entanglement in later ones, where descendants unconsciously identify with the excluded victim or perpetrator, living lives that are not fully their own.”

Ursula Franke (psychotherapist, Constellations trainer):

• “Children of victims often carry the pain of what happened, while children of perpetrators may carry the guilt. Both are innocent and both are entangled in something larger than themselves until it is acknowledged.”

Albrecht Mahr (psychiatrist & constellation facilitator)

• “Schizophrenic patients frequently show entanglements where they are simultaneously identified with perpetrators and their victims, especially in contexts of war and political violence.”

RELATED BLOGS
​The Lores of Life: Belonging, Balance, and Order
​The Different Roles in Constellations
Family Constellations & Bert Hellinger
What the heck is PHENOMENOLOGY?
The Hidden Wisdom of the Orders of Love
Other Guiding Principles in Constellation Work that are just as important

I was curious about the broader arc of healing, self-awareness, and spirituality across the generations, and how these movements have shaped the ways we approach personal growth today. And yes I did enlist the help of AI, I explored a high-level summary that highlights some of the key shifts over time. My curiosity was sparked by noticing different sensitivities and approaches among workshop participants and clients, which made me wonder about the influences of the eras they were shaped by.

This is by no means a definitive account - it’s a broad sketch rather than a deep dive - but it offers a useful sense of how healing practices, psychological frameworks, and spiritual traditions have evolved. More detailed research would certainly enrich this picture, yet even in this overview we can see the powerful movements that have influenced our collective journey.  The years ascribed to each generation are not absolute. Like I see my parents fall into the Silent Generation even though they were born after that period.   I have also included shadow aspects of each generation - meaning that even though one may feel we have progressed as a whole, there are also aspects to be aware of in any movement and age. 

✨ Big Picture Insight:

• Each generation carries a shadow that mirrors its gifts.
  
• Where one generation brought resilience, another risked repression.
  
• Where openness blossomed, exploitation or bypassing followed.
  
• The invitation across generations is integration: depth, embodiment, and balance.
  

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The Orders of Helping – Honouring What Truly Supports

Many of us are natural helpers whether as healers, counsellors, therapists, coaches, or simply as kind-hearted friends. We want to ease suffering, to be there for others, to make a difference. But sometimes our “helping” is not really helping at all. Without realising it, we may step into roles that keep others small, bind them to their story, or even project our own wounds onto them.

Bert Hellinger, founder of Family and Systemic Constellations, spent much of the early 2000s refining what it meant to be a helper or facilitator. In 2003, during one of his few London workshops, he gave a talk on The Art of Helping, alongside the publication of his book Die Ordnungen des Helfens (Carl Auer, 2003). His article, later extended and translated by Jutta ten Herkel and Sally Tombleson (2003), beautifully captured the essence of systemic thinking in relation to constellation work and the ground rules of practice for helpers.

At the heart of this teaching lies a simple observation: psychological disturbance often occurs when we are cut off from someone — usually one or both parents. Healing begins by reconnecting what has been separated.

Helping, therefore, is not a matter of rescuing, fixing, or taking on another’s burdens. It is an art, requiring humility, clarity, and restraint. Hellinger outlined five “orders of helping” — and for each, the potential disorder when we step outside them. Here are the five orders that guide us back to what truly serves:

1. The First Order: Giving Only What We Have
We can only give what is truly ours to give, and only take what we genuinely need. When we over-give or when others take beyond their need, the balance is disturbed. True help lives in integrity and balance.

Order: We can only give what is truly ours to give, and only take what we genuinely need. Respecting the limits of giving and taking keeps relationships balanced.

Disorder: When we try to give what we don’t have, or when someone demands what only they can carry for themselves. For example, taking on another’s grief or responsibility instead of allowing them to face it