 The Orders of Helping – Honouring What Truly Supports Many of us are natural helpers whether as healers, counsellors, therapists, coaches, or simply as kind-hearted friends. We want to ease suffering, to be there for others, to make a difference. But sometimes our “helping” is not really helping at all. Without realising it, we may step into roles that keep others small, bind them to their story, or even project our own wounds onto them. Bert Hellinger, founder of Family and Systemic Constellations, spent much of the early 2000s refining what it meant to be a helper or facilitator. In 2003, during one of his few London workshops, he gave a talk on The Art of Helping, alongside the publication of his book Die Ordnungen des Helfens (Carl Auer, 2003). His article, later extended and translated by Jutta ten Herkel and Sally Tombleson (2003), beautifully captured the essence of systemic thinking in relation to constellation work and the ground rules of practice for helpers. At the heart of this teaching lies a simple observation: psychological disturbance often occurs when we are cut off from someone — usually one or both parents. Healing begins by reconnecting what has been separated. Helping, therefore, is not a matter of rescuing, fixing, or taking on another’s burdens. It is an art, requiring humility, clarity, and restraint. Hellinger outlined five “orders of helping” — and for each, the potential disorder when we step outside them. Here are the five orders that guide us back to what truly serves: 1. The First Order: Giving Only What We Have We can only give what is truly ours to give, and only take what we genuinely need. When we over-give or when others take beyond their need, the balance is disturbed. True help lives in integrity and balance. Order: We can only give what is truly ours to give, and only take what we genuinely need. Respecting the limits of giving and taking keeps relationships balanced. Disorder: When we try to give what we don’t have, or when someone demands what only they can carry for themselves. For example, taking on another’s grief or responsibility instead of allowing them to face it  2. The Second Order: Respecting Circumstances Real help respects the reality of the other person’s life — both inner and outer. If we try to rescue them from what they must face, or deny what is true, we unintentionally weaken them. Helping means standing alongside, not taking over. Order: Helping must respect both inner and outer circumstances. True support walks side by side, without denying reality or trying to bypass necessary struggles. Disorder: When helping ignores or overrides circumstances. For instance, stepping in to relieve someone’s pain because we cannot bear it, which weakens both parties 3. The Third Order: Supporting Adults as Adults Helpers are not substitute parents. When we unconsciously step into the role of mother or father, we keep others in dependency. The third order calls us to recognise the adult before us, guiding them back to their own parents and their own strength. Order: Helpers must not step into the role of substitute parents. True help respects the adult in front of us, guiding them back to their real parents and their own strength. Disorder: When the helper allows an adult to relate as a child, taking over responsibilities that rightly belong to them. This creates dependency and entanglement 4. The Fourth Order: Including the Whole System Each person belongs to a greater family system. Forgotten ancestors, excluded members, and unhealed traumas often echo into the present. True helping acknowledges this larger web, giving everyone their rightful place and restoring the flow of belonging. Order: No one exists in isolation — each person belongs to a wider family system, including ancestors and those who were excluded. True helping acknowledges everyone’s place. Disorder: When essential members of the system are ignored, particularly the forgotten or excluded. Often, they hold the key to resolution. 5. The Fifth Order: Reconciling Through Inclusion At its deepest, helping is not about fixing but about including. The fifth order is an invitation to reconciliation — opening the heart to all, even those who have been rejected or caused harm. In this space, love and peace can flow again. Order: True helping fosters reconciliation. It means opening the heart to all — even those who have harmed or been rejected — and seeing without judgment. Disorder: When helpers take a superior moral stance, dividing people into “good” and “bad.” This separates rather than unites, and hinders healing A Closing Reflection The Orders of Helping remind us that sometimes, with the best of intentions, we can step into patterns that bind rather than liberate. Helping that comes from humility, clarity, and respect does not keep people in their story — it supports them to step beyond it. Hellinger reminded us that helping is not about doing more, but about seeing more. It asks us to move from “what I am against” to “what love requires.” True helping is often about doing less — not filling the role of parent, rescuer, or judge, but holding a space where what has been hidden can be seen, and where connection can be restored. As Jutta ten Herkel (2017) reflected, helping requires that we remain in touch with our own parents and ancestors, with our own fate, and with our own mortality. Only from this grounded place can we offer support that liberates rather than binds. Whether in therapy, in community, or in our closest relationships, these principles ask us to pause and reflect: Am I truly helping here, or am I rescuing, fixing, or filling a role that isn’t mine? From this awareness, we can offer support that strengthens, frees, and honours the deeper flow of life. Sources:
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